Written in Blue

2003-07-17T10:04:00.000-05:00

So it's only been about six months since I posted here. I guess I just sort of forgot about my Blog and was only posting in LiveJournal, but I like my Blog, too. So let's see. a lot has happened since I posted last, but I now have a step-mom and two step-sisters, which is a big thing. I like all three of them, which is good. I think we're all adjusting pretty well.

I still have five weeks before I have to go back to school. I'm not really sure how I feel about it. I still have stuff to finish up before then, too. Anyway, I think I'll just keep this entry short and update again later.

2003-01-25T20:08:00.000-06:00

So I e-mailed Emilie on Thursday night to see if she wanted to do something sometime soon like go get some Quizno's and she replied back that night saying she was too frozen to write much, but that Quizno's is good. So I e-mailed her back again telling her to just let me know when she wanted to do something. And I've been checking my e-mail like constantly since then and haven't heard anything. But it's cool. I talked to two girls in my weather and climate class yesterday morning and I guess they're my friends in that class now, which is cool. Then I had psych. I didn't see Laura again, so either she's still sick or she's dropped the class or has diguised herself well, I'm not sure. It doesn't matter that much, though. Then I came back and slept. Sleep is good. Then Jessa, the girl who I see in the TV lounge and talk to a lot, asked me if I wanted to go to Target with her, so we went to Target and looked around. While she looked for a wedding present, I looked at Valentine's Day cards and decided to get one for Emilie. Except, I couldn't decide which card to get her. So I ended up buying three showing various levels of affection. One of them is like a friend one that shows all these kids in Philosophy 101 reading Plato except for this one kid who has a jar of Play-dough on his desk and on the inside it say, "It doesn't take a genius to know that you're wonderful." Then another one has this penguin on it, and Emilie and I both love penguins, and it has its wings spread out and on the inside it says, "I love you this much." Then the third one..well, I definitely shouldn't give it to her. On the front it says, "Open this card if you want to be my Valentine," and then on the inside it says, "That was easy. Now close the card if you want to be my sex slave." I thought it was amusing and well, I don't know. I want to give it to her but shouldn't, seeing how our friendship is even still shaky. Anyway, it just made me kind of sad, seeing all the stuff out for Valentine's Day and not even being sure if Emilie wants to even be friends with me. I just miss her so much. But moving on, which I am trying to do, Jessa and I then stopped at Krispy Kreme and I got a strawberry filled pastry, which was delicious, and a regular glazed, which was good, too. Then we looked around some at the mall and then she dropped me off. It was around seven then, so I checked my e-mail again, but no e-mails, and then I heard RA Jenny in my suitemate's room, so I went and talked to them. They were planning on going to rent a movie at Hastings and then get some ice cream and asked me if I wanted to go with them and I said sure. So we went to Hastings and took forever to rent a movie, but finally picked out Ice Age, then we stopped at Braums, and then came back to the dorms and put Ice Age in. Katie came in and watched it with us, too, which was cool. Jennifer came in at the end and then she started teaching us some yoga, so we all got in our pajamas and did yoga, which was a lot of fun, and then Kat showed us some aerobics. Then we were all energized, so we decided to watch another movie. So we put in Hook because I love Hook and it had been a long time since I'd seen it and we all really enjoyed it. I think it had been a long time since any of us had seen us, so we got a lot of the jokes we hadn't gotten when we were younger. Anyway, it was an incredibly fun Friday night. Also, Kat said I could go with her and Jennifer to see Chicago next weekend, which makes me extremely happy. I love Chicago. I had a lot of fun playing with them. We didn't end up going to bed until after three. So I ended up sleeping until three in the afternoon, then I showered and I've been reading for class some more. I cannot express how tired I am of reading for class. Stupid freaking honors perspectives class needs to just rot in hell. Or something. But I guess I should go read some more. I'm trying to read a certain amount every day so I don't get too burned out doing all of it at once, but it's just so exhausting. Oh well, I'll make sure I get some play time in today. Probably watch some Buffy season three on DVD or something. That always makes me happy and cheers me up.

2003-01-23T01:23:00.000-06:00

It's cold again. And I mean cold. I had to walk across campus at nine this morning, which isn't really too terrible, but I was walking in the direction of the wind and I could not feel my face or move my lips by the time I got to my class. However, I managed to go to all my classes and finish my homework pretty much on time. Also, I went to lunch with my RA, Kelli, and Gina, which was kind of fun. I've just gotten tired of not being able to really talk to them. I mean, I guess it's okay to hang out with them, but I've been wanting a friend that I can just sit with and talk to for hours about the things I really need to talk about. Emilie could be that person, but I think our friendship isn't established that much again yet, so I need to wait. Actually, I saw her today. When I was going to my perspectives discussion, I saw Sarah sitting in the building reading and I knew from last semester when she was a writing assistant that when she and Emilie rode to campus together, Emilie would meet her after American lit over at the building so they could ride back. So after my discussion, I talked to Sarah for about ten minutes, which she didn't seem extremely pleased about, but not pissed about, either, until Emilie walked in from her class. She didn't really say anything to me. She started talking about how she'd fallen asleep before class and the guy from our class last semester (she directed this at me) woke her up and then they were leaving and I told Emilie that I had discussion and had seen Sarah and so had stopped to say hi to her and then Emilie said that she had forgotten to say hi, but yeah. And then they were leaving out one door and I was leaving out another. And I realized that despite all my pretending and denying, I still love her and she does not feel the same way about me. And since she produces strong emotions in me and I'm also experiencing shifting hormone levels also known as PMS, I went back to my room and cried and then Chelsea came in and asked if I was all right and I said sure and then curled up into a ball and slept for four hours. And felt much better. Oh, and I also ate two and a half S'mores Pop-tarts. We learned in psychology today that eating carbohydrates boosts levels of serotonin. So thanks to sleep and carbohydrates and other hormone fluctuations, I now view my earlier episode as silly and unecessary. Wow, that word looks weird. But moving on. I have so much reading this semester. I'm only taking thirteen hours, but I have American literature and I have a perspectives class, and those are very reading intensive. I have to have 100 pages read by Monday for that class, plus two thirty page chapters for meteorology, The Awakening for American lit on Tuesday, and I should probably read some from my psych book sometime although the teacher doesn't seem to concern herself with the textbook much. So off I go to read some Ben Franklin. Maybe.

2003-01-22T00:40:00.000-06:00

Three things that make me happiest:
-Hanging out with Emilie.
-Watching Buffy (especially seasons 3 and 4).
-Reading a good book.

2003-01-21T15:12:00.000-06:00

My clothes still smell like Emilie's apartment and that makes me very happy for some reason. Just smelling them reminds me of her and makes me smile. I'm so glad we're friends again. Anyway, I guess I better shower so I can go to my American lit class where I don't know anyone and sit there for an hour and fifteen minutes bored. Still, I'm happy because Emilie and I are friends.

2003-01-20T23:46:00.000-06:00

Today was a fantastic day. I got up and showered and all that and got some reading done and then I went ahead and called Emilie and we went to IHOP and we sat there and talked for a long time and it was cool. Then she said she needed to go to Wal-mart and I said I'd go with her, then she said we should go to Barnes and Noble, which I can never refuse. So we looked at books for a while there and she ended up buying a book and this awesome celestial type leather journal which was just the coolest journal ever and I bought another Terry Pratchett book. While we were waiting in line, I heard someone behind me saying my name and I looked back and Gina and Kelli were standing there. They told me I looked nice and asked me what I was doing there and I told them I was there buying books with Emilie and I gestured towards Emilie, who was busy paying. They asked if that was "Emilie" and I said yeah and they said they were there studying and they would talk to me later. Anyway, after that Emilie needed to go back to her apartment to get something, so we went by there and Sarah was there and acted pleased to see me and asked how my semester was going and if I liked my classes and that she hadn't seen me in forever. Tell me about it. So we talked for a while and then she went with us to Wal-mart and then Emilie started driving back to the apartment afterwards and asked if I didn't mind watching 7th Heaven because that's what we were probably going to do if I went back with them to the apartment. I was amazed. She hadn't invited me over since we broke up, which was over two months ago now. So I said that that was fine, because I like mocking TV shows like 7th Heaven with them. So we went back and Emilie started working on sewing a pair of pants and watching TV and we watched a good three and half or so hours of TV, which included The Simpsons, 7th Heaven, Joe Millionaire, and CSI Miami and mocking them all. So Emilie picked me up at three this afternoon and dropped me off close to ten thirty. It's a very good sign. She told me that I should e-mail her because she hasn't been getting along with her cell phone. So I'm going to do that later this week, I think. Tell her hi and share some amusing stories or something and then see if she wants to go eat at Quizno's or something sometime or go see Chicago or something. Anyway, it was a lot of fun. The most fun I'd had in a long time. Everything just felt good. And I feel so completely happy. I'm so glad she still wants to be my friend. Obviously she had a pretty good time with me today, too. I feel like this is how things are supposed to be. I don't know. If I don't get to hang out with her for a while, it's cool, but I do like spending time with her. She's Emilie and I love her to death. Anyway, it was the best Martin Luther King, Jr. Day I've ever had. Indeed indeed.

2003-01-19T14:50:00.000-06:00

The weather is finally warming up again. It's nice to have temperatures be above freezing. So my first week of classes was okay. I have a lot of reading to do for next week, which is good because maybe that will offset the boredom of the classes. I'm supposed to do something with Laura today but I'm a little reluctant. Being social is a lot of work for me. I think we're going to watch DVDs or something. I've been watching a lot of my Buffy season 3 DVDs. I love season three, it's awesome. Oh, and I called Emilie on Friday afternoon. We talked for a while about classes and stuff and then I asked her if she wanted to do something over the weekend and she said we could do something Monday, like have lunch or something, and said she'd call me Monday and asked to get my number. Apparently she lost her cell phone over the break and she never got the message I left her before break. I was just happy because I was completely convinced that she never wanted to speak to me again, much less see me. But apparently I was very wrong and I'm extremely happy about that.
Friday night I went with Kelli and Gina to eat at the Union and then they were showing Sweet Home, Alabama at seven, so we went to watch that. It was actually better than I was expecting it to be. It wasn't nearly as good as My Big Fat Greek Wedding, but it was funny and rather amusing. After that I started reading for my American lit class on Tuesday. I finished that reading yesterday and then helped Gina and Kelli put CDs up to decorate their room. Anyway, I guess I'll read for my weather and climate class for a while until I feel motivated enough to call Laura.

2003-01-12T14:34:00.000-06:00

So I'm back in the dorms. It was strange being back yesterday. At first it felt odd being back home and then I got used to it, so then it was strange yesterday being back at school. But I went to get my books for this semester, which was exciting. I like buying books, even if they are textbooks. I looked through my American literature books and I'm psyched. The semester is looking promising. I talked to Chelsea for a little while yesterday, but she wasn't here long. Then I ate and read some more Terry Pratchett and then I went over to talk to my suitemates and we played beauty shop and then went to our RA's office and hung out there and talked and played Truth or Dare Jenga. So all in all, it was a pleasant day back. I caught up on sleep today and printed out my first lab for tomorrow. My first class is at 9:30, which isn't too bad. However, I have a lab until 5:20 pm. So it shall be a bit of a long day.

2003-01-10T15:08:00.000-06:00

I talked to Gina today and she's leaving tomorrow morning, and I asked if I could ride back with her and she said she'd love the company. So I guess I'm leaving tomorrow morning. That is so completely early. I was thinking about going back Sunday morning, which is not too far away, but tomorrow morning just sounds and feels so very very close. I'm not ready to go yet. But I have to get back, so. I guess I did about everything I was planning on doing. Saw some great movies, hung out with Krystina, stayed over at my mom's, watched DVDs with my dad and Sarah, got my wisdom teeth out, read, went to talk to Mr. Day and got my yearbook. And I certainly slept plenty. So yeah. I got up really early this morning and dropped Sarah off at school and then swung by and said hello to Mr. Day and talked to him for a while. It was pretty cool. He's such an awesome person. I'm so lucky that I go to have him for a teacher in ninth grade. Sometimes I wonder how I would have turned out if I hadn't had him for a teacher. He taught me so much. I might still be trying to fit in and feeling lost. Anyway, then I picked up my year book and came back and watched ER. The episodes where Lucy gets stabbed and then dies were on and it was sad because I really liked Kellie Martin in Christy and it was sad to see her die on ER. Even though I know the actress is very much alive. I'm going to see Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets tonight with my mom and Sarah and then we're going to dinner, so that should be fun. I miss my mom. It's her birthday next week but I won't be here. And I don't have money. Well, I'll have to send her a card or something. I don't know. But I finished her scarf finally, so that's done. Oh, and I made all A's last semester! I made all A's my first semester, I'm quite pleased. And I found out that I can fit into size 7 jeans. Not that that matters, of course. Right. And now Sarah wants to get online, so I guess I better go. I'll try to post again before I leave, but it's quite likely that I won't, so I may be posting from my dorm room when I post next.

2003-01-09T00:18:00.000-06:00

It's been a quiet week. I've been thinking too much. Avoiding people a bit. Ning called on either Friday or Saturday and then again on Sunday, but I didn't really have time to do anything with her over the weekend, so I didn't call her back until Monday. Anyway, I saw her online today and she wanted to see a movie with me today and I was feeling more like sleeping, but went ahead, so we went to see Two Weeks Notice, which was kinda cute. I hadn't really been wanting to see it, but it wasn't bad for a romantic comedy. It was completely dead at the movie place. It was odd, but kind of fun. It was good to see her.
I had to go see my psychiatrist yesterday. She was actually there this time. I figured I'd impress her with how grown-up and less anxious I am now, but she started asking me about how things have been going for me socially, so I had to mention Emilie and I didn't really want to go into it, but I ended up telling her some about it and then I started crying. I've been trying to avoid it for quite a while now. I just got so tired of crying and feeling bad and I just had to stop, I just had to stop thinking about it. She told me I had to stop holding it in because it will come back to bite me and I need to talk to someone about it. Then she asked me if I wanted to talk about it and I think I nodded. Actually, the first thing she said to me was, "Are you sure you're gay?" and told me to keep my options open. Because the most important thing is that I get over this phase and marry a guy and have kids, of course. As long as we've got that covered, let's talk about this little thing you had where you thought you liked a girl. Not quite like that, but still she was talking to me like I had to be fixed and I couldn't do it. That's the problem. There's no one for me to talk to. I mean, the girls on my floor were extra nice, but they don't really care or want to hear about it. My family, they'll all the time be pushing me to consider guys. That's what they think about when I mention dating or anything close. The one person I could have talked to it about is the one person I can't. Because I called her before I left and she didn't answer. I left a message and it's been almost three weeks. Have a nice break, have a good Christmas and New Year. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Yeah, so I still need to deal with it. But she didn't even say anything. I hate that. At least freaking say goodbye and that you don't want to talk to me anymore. I'm not going to call her. If she doesn't want to talk to me, I'm not going to make her. Everyone acts like it's nothing. She's acted like it's nothing. She'd never been in a relationship before either. But she acted like it was nothing. I was the one who was so emotionally invested and she said she was sorry like she wasn't really but she was getting a little annoyed and it was my fault that..I don't know. I don't know if I do want to talk about it. Did it mean nothing? I'm beginning to wonder if it ever happened.

2003-01-05T01:34:00.000-06:00

Okay, so let me just say: I love the movie Chicago. I may not know anything about the actual musical, but the movie kicks so much ass. Well, at least I think so. Anyway, Krystina was psyched about going to see it and I'd been interested in going to see it, too, so we went ahead and went to a rather late showing of it Friday night. The theater was pretty empty, which we hadn't been expecting, but we sat through the movie and it was awesome. So we went to see it again tonight. And it was still freaking awesome. Of course, I had to ruin the evening by trying to take expressways home and well, let's just say that I'm very directionally challenged. I have my mom's sense of direction, I believe. Which is a bad thing. I feel really bad for Krystina because she had to sit in the car while I completely screwed up on taking expressways and took us to the other side of the city. Sorry about that. Truly. But Chicago. Good stuff. Anyway, I've been missing my family, so tonight I'm over at my mom's new house, which is rather nice. I actually even had a rather pleasant conversation with my step-dad. And now I should probably get off my laptop, which they can probably hear me typing on, so that this little bit of pleasantness doesn't get shattered by me making loud typing noises and annoying people. Night then.

2003-01-03T13:08:00.000-06:00

Well, a shack makes sense if it's in New York City. But why do I need a car? I never cared much about the car part, anyway, so I just listed like the only five types of cars I know the names of. I'm just glad it wasn't the Hummer.
You will live in Shack.
You will drive a White PT Cruiser.
You will marry Emilie and have 1 kids.
You will be a Writer in NYC.
playmash.com!

2003-01-03T01:29:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I spent a good half an hour trying to get to this building so I could get to my appointment and then when I finally got there, no was there. Apparently it's still closed for the holidays. Hmm. So then I braved the traffic and went to Target and got some Ramen noodle soup, Baked Lays, cereal, and pads and then got back and tried to watch Brotherhood of the Wolf, but I got about a minute in and it was so incredibly violent that I just turned it off. So then I took a nap instead.
I made Krystina watch the first two episodes of Once & Again and then we came upstairs to just watch TV and were channel surfing when we saw the third episode of Once & Again on Lifetime. Talk about a coincidence. And they started the episode on the half hour, too. Very strange, but cool. Very awesome show. Also, she showed me the first episode of Bette, which was very funny. Yup.

2003-01-02T14:34:00.000-06:00

My dad left for his trip yesterday. I was a little sad that he left, and that Sarah left to go to my mom's, but Krystina's here, so it's okay. We've been having a pretty good time. We drank some delicious sparkling cider on New Year's Eve and watched High Fidelity and Monster's Inc., both of which are good movies. They're both quite funny. Yesterday we went to Barnes and Noble and I bought another Terry Pratchett book because he kicks ass. Also, the calendar were fifty percent off, so I went ahead and got a Buffy calendar because I need a new calendar. The one that had been hanging in my room was from 2001. I took it down yesterday and put Buffy up. The only problem is, it's not like a Buffy the Vampire Slayer calendar, it's like a Buffy calendar. But that's okay. Oh, and so then we went and saw Star Trek: Nemesis, which was quite a good movie. Data's awesome. Also, I'm sorry to admit, but I thought Shin-zon or whatever his name is was kinda hot. He was also kinda evil, but oh well. Anyway, I have to go to an appointment today. My mouth is feeling less sore and painful so yea for that.

2002-12-31T18:50:00.000-06:00

I feel accomplished because I managed to take a shower and get dressed before seven in the evening. I read a lot of the Terry Pratchett book today and it's very amusing. I'm still experiencing a small but significant amount of pain in my jaw, but it's getting better. It seems to be worse at night, for some reason. Probably because that's when I up and trying to live outside of my bed.
What's hard to believe is that tomorrow is New Year's day. It doesn't feel like New Year's Eve. But it often doesn't feel like the days that it's supposed to be. Only afterwards you think back and remember what you did and then you think that maybe it did feel like the day it was supposed to be. Maybe. Anyway, it's really just another day, except I'll try to have fun and be social, as much as the pain in my mouth will let me. Happy New Year!

2002-12-31T02:10:00.000-06:00

Okay, it's taking much too long for me to recover from my wisdom teeth surgery. It was not supposed to use up so much of my break/ fun time. However, I did manage to hang out with Michelle and Betsy last night. I hadn't seen them in like..six months, I think. Anyway, they picked me up and we went to the dollar movies and saw Ghost Ship, which was a little creepy. Scary movies don't scare me so much anymore, but it was rather scary and not as stupid as I thought it was going to be. It was pretty good considering I only paid a dollar to see it. Then I hung out over at Michelle's for a little while and my mouth started hurting again and they dropped me off at home and I took some pain killers and crashed. It was good to see them, though. I thought it was going to be weird, but it wasn't. It wasn't really anything. It just was. I don't know. Anyway, I finished reading Slaughterhouse-five today, which is an excellent book. Not the sort of book I usually read or like, but still really good. Now I'm reading Terry Pratchett's Thief of Time, which is turning out to be amusing. Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. Where did the time go? My dad is leaving on New Year's Day. I don't know if I want him to go. Can't he stay here and take care of me and watch DVDs with me? But I want him to go and have a good time and I'll be feeling better by then. And plus, Krystina will come over and we'll watch movies and have fun. So it will be good. I am actually enjoying being home, though. I thought that I wouldn't enjoy it so much, but I do.

2002-12-28T14:00:00.000-06:00

I'm awake again, for a little while, at least. I've been thinking about Emilie again, but in a happy way, not a sad way, so that's good. Maybe she'll want to hang out again sometime when we go back to school. I don't know. I've been thinking. It seems like with most people, being single is what they do in between being in relationships. With me, being in relationships is what I do in between being single, I think. Which is perfectly fine, really. I really feel like I learned a lot from Emilie and I grew a lot because of her. I have absolutely no regrets when it comes to her. The relationship and the breakup all helped me so incredibly much. For quite a while I was so upset because I felt like I'd lost something, and then I realized that everything I felt for her, everything she felt for me, and every moment I'd been with her- it was all still there. And then I realized that I hadn't lost anything. It was sort of like a revelation. I mean, no matter what happens, I'll always have that. And after I realized that, I was able to start moving on. Which isn't to say that it didn't hurt like hell or that I don't still think about her and miss her sometimes, but I can smile about it.
My mom moved today. Now she's living all the way across town, which is rather far, in my opinion. She can't just be over here in five minutes anymore. But I'm used to living two and a half hours away from her now, so it's not a huge deal. And I know she's really excited about moving into her own house and all, so I'm happy for her. And now I'm getting drowsy again, so I think that's enough for now.

2002-12-28T10:20:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I'm still getting used to how this works, so give me a while. Anyway, I'm already feeling better from having my wisdom teeth out yesterday. I feel a little dizzy, but other than that I feel fine. I'm looking forward to eating regular food again. My throat is a little sore right now, probably because I haven't been drinking enough. I couldn't eat or drink yesterday before my surgery and nothing tasted very good when I finally good drink. I watched the pilot of My So-Called Life last night and I found myself laughing more watching it this time. I guess I'm far enough away from high school now to be able to laugh at it. It's still a good show, but I see it differently now that I'm out of high school. Also, I started reading Slaughterhouse-five, which is pretty good so far. I'm not that far into it yet, but I think it's good. Anyway, I think I'm going to go curl up in my bed again and get some more rest.

2002-12-27T21:08:00.000-06:00

Hey, so this is my Blog. I'm not really sure how this works yet, but I guess I'll figure it out. So yup, here we go.